Praying for Attachment to her Guru
Vraja Lila, Chapter 5
While living in Vrndavana she was always expressing the desire to deepen her relationship with her spiritual master. She often praised my good fortune, that although she had received only one letter from him I had received many. She suggested that due to her lack of faith for him he never wrote any letters to her personally. But I always reminded her that he had given her special mercy by giving her first and second initiation so quickly, as well as the instruction to come to Sri Vrndavana- dhama.
In May 1994, when Srila Gurudeva’s disciples in Vrndavana observed his Vyasa-puja celebration, she touched everyone’s heart with her sincere offering to him:
Dear Srila Gurudeva,
I bow down to your divine lotus feet with great awe and reverence. All glories to you.
You always support me by your mercy. This year, by allowing me to come to Vrndavana, you have given me the opportunity to pray to the holy dhama, Srila Prabhupada, and Lord Krsna. Here I have met many elevated Vaisnavas so devoted to Srila Prabhupada‘s teachings. I am trying to follow them in their devotion. Recently, we celebrated Srila Prabhupada‘s disappearance day. On that day I could see the open hearts of his disciples; I realized that he lives eternally. That festival gave Srila Prabhupada to us, his grand-disciples, who never had the chance to see him. On that day I was thinking about you, my spiritual master, who devotes your whole life to Srila Prabhupada. When the acarya leaves, only the weak disciples become blinded. Those who are strong take vows to follow his instructions even more strictly. I remember your words, “Let us be blessed by Srila Prabhupada to preach his mission all over the world.”
You have this blessing and, therefore, you are never separated from him. Wherever you are, you serve him all the time. You are his servant who gives your whole heart to him. There is no more glorious position than yours. That day I prayed to Srila Prabhupada to let me obtain the same strong faith in your instructions as you have in his. I will always try to make your instructions my life and soul. I am inspired thinking of the moments when I will have the opportunity to get your direct association by serving you personally. Then I won’t be separated from you at any time. Even the terrifying thought of death would not be able to cut the thread between us.
Dear Gurudeva, I beg you, please bless me by bestowing upon me the qualities of your best disciples who serve you purely. Make me humble so that the holy name will come and dance within my heart.
Now I am not even half-way to the desired goal and the way is difficult. On this day I pray to you, please free me from lust, greed and envy and everything which keeps me aloof from rendering pure devotional service unto you. You appeared in my life giving me light, and captured me by divine love. I am indebted to you eternally, my dear beloved, eternal father, Srila Gurudeva.
Your eternal servant
Vraja Lila Dasi
(Vrndavana)
Bhagavatam class, she heard that Vrndavana-dhama is a very special place for praying for the mercy of the guru because the original guru, Lord Balarama, is eternally residing in Vrndavana. That morning I heard her praying sincerely to Lord Balarama to increase her attachment to her spiritual master.
On Radhastami, September 12th, she got the opportunity to go on Radha-kunda and Varsana parikramas. She was so happy to be able to go to these divine places and pray for mercy. But she was already very weak from the previous day’s activities at Unchogaon, and while climbing the hill to Varsana she had to be supported by the other women. They reached Larily Lal mandira (the main Varsana temple) just at the moment that Radharani’s festival was beginning. There was a huge crowd. Vraja Lila worked her way close to the altar, and just as she arrived the pujari came out with a big plate of maha-prasadam. He gave her the first portion, and she was immediately surrounded by hundreds of Vrajavasis wanting the mercy. Somehow or other she escaped and happily distributed what was left to all the parikrama devotees. Unfortunately, due to her exhausted condition, she then fainted in the temple and had to be carried to the bus by the women.
The next day, without my knowledge (although I had given her strict orders to rest in bed) she took the Russian disciples of Gopal Krishna Goswami on parikrama of all the major temples in Vrndavana. I was furious with her and chastised her later. I realized, however, that Vraja Lila never wanted to miss an opportunity to go on parikrama. She was the proper person to take the devotees on parikrama, because, as I said before, she knew many of the pastimes of the holy places in the dhama.